Journal to Depression

The sun revealed the blue sky today. It was the first day this year that temperatures surpassed 50. Can you believe, it was 71!

I sat in the house all day by the window drowning myself in work. With the music on, I had knots in my stomach. Worried…

I woke up this morning after my children got themselves ready and out the door for school. They let me sleep in? Or, I didn’t wake up when they tried to wake me?

I received a text from my 16 year old daughter, she is a junior in high school. It was a picture. I wasn’t in the mood to read it, so I didn’t.

All-day I worked on notes. I have assignments due but my brain won’t allow me to concentrate on them. I at least made an important call to the college.

I tried to make plans to explore the woods with my sister. I thought it may be fun to go back to childhood memories, exploring, sneaking some liquor in hopes that the parents wouldn’t find out. Those plans were a no go.

I received a call from my best friend, and boyfriend. We talked about the future that I question. Things have evolved for us in a way I couldn’t imagine as our future. We lost each other in a big way, so I examine. I can’t figure out how to go back to us. We both have changed, we gained a new view towards one another.

My children get home from school.

My daughter asks, “Did you get my text?” I said, no I didn’t. She proudly let me know that she was excepted into the honors society. I hug her! I tell her, that’s amazing!

I continue to seclude myself in my bedroom.

I cuddle my 5 year old son. He then goes to hang out with his 15 year old brother. I hear screaming, I see tears from my 5-year-old as my older son yells, “Stop it!” My oldest son doesn’t bother to help my youngest, instead he screams. So I get angry and I yell at my 15 yr old.

I think to myself, here I am! Hanging out in my bedroom upset. Any parent would take their daughter to celebrate, that’s a huge achievement!

I then tell my daughter I will be back, I am headed to pray down by the water. I need something, I told her.

So here I am at the local lake. I can’t get very close to the water but I am close enough. I figured I would write down all my thoughts and release all the negativity from my mind.

Who knows, maybe someone will read this journal and relate.

Time to meditate!

I recall watching a music video earlier, thinking that’s me. Chris Stapleton’s Fire Away” https://youtu.be/ZI-aPHeUDlk. I wanted to be with my mom in heaven.

I wake up from God’s infinite love, I realize that the devil was trying to gain my heart. Why else would I have so many blessings, wanting nothing to do with them.

I highly recommend “Prayer Against Evil Spirits” https://youtu.be/6wLvTIH88NI It takes me from the physical plane, gaining consciousness of God.

I quivered to the point of convulsing, I was cold! I could feel though it was more than just that. When I gained a sudden calm I knew that my convulsions were much more than just being cold. It was the touch of God.

Thank you God!!! Thank you for another chance!!! Thank you for all that you are!

It’s time to go home and give my babies a huge hug! Nothing on this earth is more important than my children.

UPDATE: The following weekend I was able to take my daughter to her first theater show.

Well, besides her dedication to all the high school plays. She was able to experience the city for the first time, and she was an excellent passenger driver. I can say for certain it was a day marked forever in my heart!

Peace, love, and strength to all!

(c) 2019, Andrea R Rice, All Rights Reserved.

One Comment on “Journal to Depression

  1. That was completely and udderly beautiful. Extremely touching!

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