Wow it’s been a crazy year! Just to reflect back. I just felt this captivity holding me down! Attacks from the adversary in all directions. Deceptions of the mind. An escapist. I watched myself in every fall.
I have been through to much in life, I refuse to stand in scenarios that break my heart. Run from the bad, push the problems away. I don’t deserve hurt. It’s not mine.
Did I give it away? Or did I run? Was I running only to find there was a chain tied to my ankle. Captivity. Slavery. Consumed. Finding that my faith isn’t as sturdy as I thought, as apposed to my past.
But was it the past? Or was it the present? Or was it the present, and I used the past to show me through? Or did I use the past to show me out? Or was it the past that showed me a new view? Or was it the past that showed me a present that was never you?
Living is incredibly hard. The wise man will endure. Patience needs built. Perfection in weakness. Life hurts. It’s unfair. It’s unruly. Hopelessly broken, doing God’s job.
Holding the world in my hands, I will make it! I will pull through this! I don’t have the strength, but I will make a way.
God don’t worry about me, I will make you proud. I will push you to the side and carry all the weight.
Happiness, I don’t know you. I have only met you, briefly, an acquaintance. My life. My love. In every breath. My heart, it beats for you. Safety. Peace. Light. My savior. Why do I not choose you? Why am I hopeless?
You saved me. Redeemed me. Not because I am good. Not because I deserve it. Not even simply because you loved me enough to make me, to make me love. But because I choose you. I relinquished my mind, body, and soul. I relinquished my heart. I relinquished my steps. My family.
God, I was stubborn, I held it all. I walked by sight. I choose to believe in the world. I choose to depend on man. I choose not your hand. I choose not your heart. Your unfailing love.
Lord I asked for you to replace my heart with yours, but I didn’t believe it to be true. I asked for you to guide my steps, but I forgot my steps were my greatest blessing because they were granted by you. I prayed for you to deliver me, but I didn’t want to relinguish my steps.
I decided I am worthy of your love. I am worthy in all the ways you made me. You are so proud of me, I chose to believe that. I believe you are with me in every breath, and every situation too. I believe you won’t leave me, no matter what I do.
I choose to be free. I choose peace. I choose faith. I choose life. I choose love. I choose spirit. God, I choose you.
Totally broken, we find what we have always wanted. 💖