There was a mission service today at church. I have seen often on television commercials where they ask for funding to save our children in the world, but it didn’t touch me the same as it did today.
You see I am a single mother. A single mother of three amazing children, whom oftentimes I believe I don’t deserve. I don’t have two incomes, it is just me. I work a full time job where it feels as though my part time job is sleeping due to my exhaustion.
It feels as though I have the whole world on my shoulders sometimes, there is so much to think about with my lack of energy and resources. On top of the accumulation of inadequacies, I am the only one to teach my children right from wrong and sometimes it feels as though all I get done doing is trying to teach my children respect. Did you ever hear that saying, this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you? Isn’t that the truth! It hurts when I lose my temper. Sometimes it’s way too much to bear. People say, kids will be kids, but sometimes kids being kids on top of everything else I have going on is that one thing to make me so angry I have to check out.
A few days ago I decided to go grocery shopping after work. When I returned home I asked my eighteen year old son Camrin to make dinner, I wanted to finish drawing my portrait so that I can sell them to make some side money and reduce some of the stress from my circumstance. Camrin decided to make tomato sandwiches and Jaxyn my youngest son decided popcorn would be better.
I was so angry at myself for not making dinner. I was angry at myself for Jaxyn eating popcorn for dinner. I was angry at him for trying to gag while he took a small bite of the bread. As I was trying to calm down from Jaxyn’s theatrics, my oldest son seemed to be tossing what I was saying to the side.
Eventually, all of my rationality was out the window concerning the situation and I started blaming my life rather than understanding that I am a human being that was having a human experience, which lead to me placing blame rather than taking responsibility.
As I was getting ready for bed, I was beating myself up for being human and losing my tongue. Well of course I should have done better, but I didn’t! In that moment I realized that beating myself up was only going to keep me from learning from what was happening in that moment. It was like a fire siren warning me that my view was causing mass destruction, which eventually leads to a clean up and rebuilding.
Today in church when the slide show was presented from Sam Childers’ (aka. Machine Gun Preacher) mission, I was brought to tears. I was thinking about being that mother. That mother was equally tired, not from the stress of being blessed but because she had little food for nourishment. I thought about being that mother that watched her children crying from starvation with no way to fix it. I thought about being that mother praying to God not for my ministry to grow, but for God to help me to feed my children. I thought about being the mother who cries out to God, seeing the few bites of food received as an answered prayer.
Suddenly, my purpose is so much bigger than loving people. Than being a better parent. Then being a perfect person. Suddenly, my purpose is bigger than a message getting out. I want to share with you a word that Sam Childers gave the congregation in tears.
“I have screwed up a lot of things in my life, but I will never stop doing what God sent me to do.”Sam Childers
It was all my screw ups that lead me to where I am today, a single mother working full time, barely making ends meet. But it was God that gave me a purpose that is so much bigger than I could ever have imagined for my life, and that same God that gave me a purpose also parted the red sea.
God doesn’t just seek our hearts, but he is a generational God. He wishes to use us to make infinite impacts. God wants to grow us in him so that we will impact our family and the generations they produce and impact. God wants to use us to impact our community, our country, and the world.
My God! I promise I will never stop! When my heart gets weary, when I feel like it’s all in vain, I will keep my eyes focused on you! You put a hunger in my heart for this mission, which means it is sealed with victory. So God I will keep pushing through, and I will keep allowing you to show me bigger. God, I never want to restrict what you are using me for to my limited view.
Note To The Reader
Your life has a purpose so much bigger than your everyday routine while trying to find joy in the experience. God thoughtfully designed his children to do his works on the earth, and you were hand-picked and chosen to be of service! Praise God, there is so much more for you than simply living and surviving there is a purpose for your life!