Finding My Way Back To Me

3 years since being baptized! Wow, what a ride! Tears I wasn’t used to shedding. What felt though a dead soul was brought back to life one day at a time.

Over the past year, I went from my chest hurting from a broken heart wondering why God dropped me off here, to seeing supernatural wonders the next minute. In the evening feeling so defeated the only option I had was to rid my control, to the new in the morning bringing a childlike joy.

This year has been a daily skydive. Petrifying yet liberating. Some days I was strong enough to endure, other days I didn’t think I could make it. Ministers say just keep holding on tight because an elevation is going to be messy. But I think it’s insane that I have to be so stubborn that God almost has to allow the air to get knocked out of me before I decide to hold my hands up.

The problem with elevation is that there is no way to turn around once you have trusted him to get you so far. Once I gave God the rains over my life it didn’t seem like I had much of a choice as to which direction I moved, only the choice of how I viewed the journey. Often there were those conversations, God I can’t or I don’t want to, or why God? Even as sometimes I limped or even crawled I had to keep moving.

I could compare the journey to walking so far into the woods that you lost direction, you can’t turn back because you don’t know which way that is or what that even looks like anymore, the only thing you can do is keep moving. I am just being real!

They say you can’t be halfway in and halfway out that is where the suffering lies. This is true because if I am in the middle of the woods by myself, on my own strength using my own direction panic sets in, there is confusion. But when I am there with God allowing him to guide me through beauty comes to light.

Like my friend Terry Vassar puts it, “how are you going to stear the car when you don’t even know where you are going? Let go of the steering wheel!” I thought about that while driving yesterday, if I were to let go of the steering wheel I would without a doubt crash the car. We allow our physical world to teach us how to walk, but do we walk that way with God too? Do we hold on to control with hope that he will guide us?

To be honest it takes those breakdowns that give me nothing else to lose! I am willing to relinquish my hands from controlling the direction. This is where I find myself at the peak of the mountain, there is nothing left to trudge through I made it! There is nothing that can bring me down! I have the joy of the lord in those moments! Free indeed.

Those who have followed me on this journey may have seen an acceleration in my life. To be honest, if I stand in my skin and look around I feel like my whole world has been knocked over like I am standing in the middle of a mass disaster. But if I elevate my mind, I see the acceleration too. Without a doubt, this mess that I am in is an elevation. Things are getting knocked over to be pushed out of the way. I am being forced to move in a way that makes me see and do things differently, I am being repositioned.

Sometimes we don’t understand in the midst of the pain that others cause us that they might actually love us more than we love ourselves. I don’t love myself like God does, there was so much trauma that taught me differently. So though I may not always appreciate what I am walking through I without a doubt understand that he knows me better than I do.

I mean, 3 years ago I never knew me today. I never knew I would enjoy doing the things that I do, let alone be doing the things that I do. So though this year seems to be the ultimate testing period, I am excited for where this acceleration will bring me next year! Another year down on an infinite journey with my father. 🙌♥

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