Journal to Depression

Self Growth

The sun revealed the blue sky’s today. It was the first day this year that temperatures surpassed 50. Can you believe, it was 71!

I sat in the house all day by the window drowning myself in work. With the music on, I had knots in my stomach. Worried….

I woke up this morning after my children got themselves ready and out the door for school. They let me sleep in? Or, I didn’t wake up when they tried to wake me?

I received a text from my 16 year old daughter, she is a junior in high school. It was a picture. I wasn’t in the mood to read it, so I didn’t.

All-day I worked on notes. I have assignments due but my brain won’t allow me to concentrate on them. I at least made an important call to the college.

I tried to make plans to explore the woods with my sister. I thought it may be fun to go back to childhood memories: exploring, sneaking some liquor in hopes that the parents wouldn’t find out. Those plans were a no go.

I received a call from my best friend, and boyfriend. We talked about the future, that I question. Things have evolved for us, in a way I couldn’t imagine as our future. We lost each other, in a big way, so I examine. I can’t figure out how to go back to us. We both have changed, gaining a new view towards one another.

My children get home from school.

My daughter asks, “Did you get my text?” I said, no I didn’t. She lets me know, she was excepted into the honors society. I hug her! Telling her, that’s amazing!

I cuddle, my 5 year old son. He then goes to hang out with his 15 year old brother. I hear screaming, I see tears from my 5 year old as my older son yells, “Stop it!”. My oldest son, doesn’t bother to help my youngest, instead screams. So I get angry, and yell at my 15 yr old.

I continue to seclude myself in my bedroom.

I think to myself, here I am! Hanging out in my bedroom upset. Any parent would take their daughter to celebrate, that’s a huge achievement!

I then think back to my post. I tell my daughter I will be back, I am headed to pray down by the water. I need something, I told her.

So here I am, at the local lake. I can’t get very close to the water, but I am close enough. I figured I would write down all my thoughts, and release all the negativity from my mind.

Who knows, maybe someone will read this journal and relate.

Time to meditate: to our God.

I recall watching a music video earlier, thinking that’s me. Chris Stapleton’s Fire Away”

I wanted to be with my mom in heaven.

I wake up from God’s infinite love, and realize the devil was trying to gain my heart. Why else would I have so many blessings, wanting nothing to do with them.

I highly recommend “Prayer Against Evil Spirits” It takes me, from the physical plane, gaining consciousness of God.

I quivered to the point of convulsing, I was cold! I could feel though, it was more, than just that. When I gain a calm, I knew in that moment it was much more than just being cold. It was the touch of God.

Thank you, God!!! Thank you for another chance!!! Thank you for all that you are!

It’s time to go home, and give my babies a huge hug! Nothing on this earth is more important than my children.

UPDATE: The following weekend, I was able to take my daughter to her first theater show.

Well, besides her dedication to the high school plays. She was able to experience a city for the first time and she was an excellent passenger driver. I can say for certain, it was a day marked forever in my heart!

Peace, love, and strength to all!

(c) 2019, Andrea R Rice, All Rights Reserved.